Jenga
My mind produces a potion that consists of optimism, naivety, and confidence. It is a deadly concoction. On the surface, they are all attractive qualities. They allow me to be passionate about all my plans, often talking about all the things I want to do in the future.
The unique mix of these qualities makes me set high goals for myself, unrealistic standards, and are usually exhausting to endure. The same qualities that make me attractive also lead to disappointment, distrust, and disaster. It could be as simple as me telling my parents I will score high for my IB exams confidently, with no hesitation. Or in relationships promising I will never do this minor thing again. As I repeat my mistakes over and over. This breeds uncertainty and doubts about everything I say in the future.
One thing I have been acutely aware of as I grew older is that I love making promises I can't keep. It could be from being a people pleaser, looking for anyone's approval by saying yes to anything they say. It could be from being an emotional rollercoaster, making tons of plans while on the way up, only to feel like canceling all of them when I feel down. It could be from constantly lying to myself and saying I could do it when I actually can't.
In the end, it results in everyone looking at me differently. The glow in their eyes which used to look at me with such enthusiasm turns dim. I turn their eyes into a deep hollow chasm. I can tell there is nothing behind the eyes anymore as they stare at me with numbness, accepting the fact that I will disappoint them time and time again.
I feel like a repeating game of Jenga. I try to do as much as I can, set high goals, talk confidently, and face every challenge with a smile. Eventually, my mind gets overwhelmed and exhausted. Demands from my academic life, social life, or personal goals take out the wooden blocks slowly and steadily. I will consistently delude myself, telling myself which pieces I do not actually need to balance myself out. Or if I take out the pieces carefully it will be fine. It always crumbles down piece by piece. Always.
