My Cat Brought Out the Ugliest Parts of Myself
I didn't know that I was an angry person until I found myself screaming at my cat. My chest would be pounding and I could hear a high-pitched whistling like a kettle boiling in my ears. As soon as the words leave my mouth, I snap back at reality and recoil in shame at what I just did. I’ve never blacked out from alcohol but this innate and hidden rage sapped me of my inhibitions and autonomy. I try my best to forget what happened and go back to trying to sleep as I have to wake up for work. I drift off hoping that this won’t become a regular occurrence.
It became a regular occurrence. It would mostly happen at night when my cat Adolin, out of a mixture of playfulness or boredom, would bite my toes. While it didn’t hurt, the more that it happened, the more it pissed me off. It horrified me. It feels so out of character for me. While I can get irritable, anger never gets full reign of control over me. At work or in relationships, I tend to feel sad over angry. In my search to find this source of anger, I realized what it reminded me of. This momentary loss of control reminds me of my dad. I looked at the mirror and I have never been this disgusted with myself. All these connections immediately brought back a ton of flashbacks. All those times I have neglected Adolin and justified it to myself by saying that it is because I am tired from work. I am actively procrastinating away the childhood of my cat and depriving him of adequate stimulation to become the best kitty he could be.
I always told myself that if I had a kid, I would never be like my parents. I would always prioritize them and give them all the love and patience in the world. What is the point in working your ass off if you didn’t have anyone to love right? Turns out I was naive. I was confronted with the hardest pill to swallow. My parents have been right. While I have been very critical of some aspects of my upbringing, they would always tell me that I would understand when I was older. I always thought that day would never come since I never wanted kids. Little did I know that when getting a pet, this was what I was signing up for. All those jokes about furbabies bit me in the ass. Karma came to me in the form of a kitten. While my parents didn’t plan on having me, I had deliberately chosen to take care of this cat. My overconfidence, fueled by my ignorance, led me to underestimate the effort it takes to take care of another living being. My parents had to raise me and my sister in way worse conditions and here I am struggling with raising a cat, with all the privileges that my parents have blessed me with.
The mirror is calling me a hypocrite. I am not a good parent to Adolin. I don’t play with my cat enough. I am too selfish or lazy to get another cat to play with Adolin. My mind is screaming at me while I play music to drown it out, as I keep scrolling on my phone for any drop of dopamine. My inaction is powered by my guilt, keeping me paralyzed. I tend to run away from my problems and ignore them until it goes away. It usually works great until it is a living thing, a constant reminder of my flaws. Adolin stares at me with love, as I try to look away, afraid of seeing myself in the reflection of his eyes.
