Insight Into Infatuation

Normally people get butterflies in their stomach, I get struck by lightning. Instead of a light drizzle, it becomes a heavy downpour that releases the floodgates of all my insecurities, projections, and jealousy. I start opening up and all my issues flood and overwhelm the other person and suffocate them before the relationship even has a chance to sprout into something beautiful. It folds up, withers, and decomposes and the cycle repeats itself. My life feels peaceful until I bite onto the bait willingly, overcome with my hunger for love, and ending up like a fish out of water. Helplessly flapping around and waiting for someone to put me out of my misery.

My mind starts to race, thinking about things to do, sights to see and restaurants to eat. Rather than dating existing as a part of my life, dating becomes and consumes my life. I neglect all the hobbies that make me fulfilled, academic responsibilities that pave the road for my future, and all the amazing people that got me where I am. I unintentionally and unknowingly isolate myself from all my social support networks until it all comes crashing down. When everything is burning then I reach out to my friends, beg them to pour out the fire that I repeatedly ignite. It feels like a sandcastle, building it up temporarily, and inevitably nature comes back to claim what it rightfully hers. Now next time I build a sandcastle, all I can think about is the incoming wave, the dread, and emptiness. What I should be focusing on is being patient, enjoying the building process, and seeing what comes of it first.

Normalcy becomes a rarity as my routine erodes. My sleep schedule becomes disjointed and hectic as my insomnia resurfaces. I unconsciously lose interest in all my hobbies which frees up time for me to overthink. I exercise because I simply enjoy it normally. Once I get infatuated, the motivation becomes extrinsic, I start exercising to look good for people which makes the motivation harder to sustain. Somehow everything I do becomes about the other person. When I am with my friends I can not help but talk about them. When I am browsing social media, I can not help but browse and engross in all the content they put out. When I am at the gym, somehow even the mirrors start to only reflect my most insecure parts.

I thought this part of my life was over and I somehow outgrew it. After being in one relationship that was more securely attached, I fooled myself into thinking I was now above this. In reality, this insecure part of myself was lurking, stalking, and waiting for a moment to strike. Thinking back, I realized this only happens when I value someone more than myself. I let myself become a doormat, stepped on repeatedly, and not put up any resistance or boundaries. In some twisted way, this becomes the norm and I start seeing this infatuation as love. This addictive feeling becomes what I seek for instead.