Confessions of an addict
Someone recently inspired me to write because it seemed therapeutic and cathartic. This is probably TMI but fuck it. Life is fickle and I might get hit by a bus tomorrow so why not put this out there
Growing up in a strict household taught me to be good at lying. It was simply how I learnt to survive. It did not matter if I lied about big or small issues as long as I did not get my ass beat. As I grew up and stopped lying to them, it turned out I never stopped lying to myself. Some lies I tell myself regularly are I’ll do this tomorrow, I’ll try harder this time (Sorry to my exes) and lastly, weed is something that helps me.
Insomnia, night sweats, and nausea has been what I have been experiencing these few days going cold turkey. I have been smoking almost daily since I was 17 and never really taken extended breaks unless I have midterms or exams. Recently I have had plenty of time for introspection and writing notes on how I feel while getting 2 hours of sleep per night. Even though I feel awful, the feeling of regaining control over my own life trumps all the negative symptoms withdrawal and I do not regret it one bit.
What I realized was that abusing marijuana put me in a state of arrested development. It made me complacent with myself. It slowly took everything I had and cared about until it became the only thing I had and cared about. This starts slowly like turning down going out with friends and chilling and smoking up alone instead. It’s not a big deal at first until you turn down invites too often and eventually they stop inviting you out. This made me feel worse about myself and thus made me want to stay in and get high more. It becomes a vicious cycle in the blink of an eye. One day I woke up and suddenly noticed how I was getting more distant to all the people I care about and had fewer and fewer I could call close friends.
My relationship with weed was like a codependent relationship. At first, it starts off wonderful. I start off seeing them once or twice a week. Each time we spend time together it feels like the best time of my life. Even when I am doing other tasks I start thinking about them, infatuated and obsessed. I start putting off other activities, close friends, and hobbies just to spend even more time with her. After a month or two I believe she is the one and we move in together. This is when it all goes downhill. I start not being able to do anything without her. Every meal I eat, every time I go out for a walk, even when I sleep I start feeling empty when she is not there. Now being alone is misery and all the hobbies, passions, and relationships that I have cultivated before are gone.
I was like most people and only saw the beneficial effects of weed. I used it for all sorts of things like anxiety, depression, nausea and sleep aid. This wasn’t a problem at first until I realized that weed didn’t actually fix these problems, it was great and hiding it and it actually made it worse. The next day when I sobered up the anxiety, nausea, depression, and insomnia came back harder and I felt a stronger need to consume even more to feel normal. After years of abuse, it just became who I was a person and it took me way too long to see this.
I think it’s finally time for me to grow up. I’m sick of constantly underachieving. I’m 21 now and it’s time to take responsibility for all my mental illnesses even though it’s not my fault. I want to find out more about myself, who I truly am, and find my raison d’etre. It’s also important to remind yourself that progress isn’t linear. I know I’m going to fuck up, relapse, and make mistakes because you can’t change habits of a lifetime in a few days but that’s okay. There was a wise man called Sam Hinke that once said trust the process. I may not be perfect every time but I will look in the mirror, promise myself that I will not stop trying. I am stronger than my addictions.
